So, I’m taking this Uncle thing pretty seriously.
Over the past couple of days, every 15 minutes or so I imagine a person slipping in during nap time and making off with my 3 day old niece, Raelynn. Usually, a Bordered Collie named Sassie, whom I’ve secretly raised for scenarios just like this, runs to my location, communicates the situation through a barrage of barks and signals to follow her.
I call my trustiest tech guy who geolocates the perp’s cell signal off cell towers. Turns out, this fool thought he could get away on the Tri-Rail, so I blow the train in half and drop down from the sky.
Before Mom and Dad’s nap time is over, Raelynn’s back in her crib without a scratch while our boogeyman is hanging off a streetlight by his underwear, a note addressed to the police stapled to his forehead. I keep the story to myself to preserve anonymity, but let it slip to a cute nurse I see waiting in the Starbucks line the next day and we make out a little bit later.
Amidst my daydreams of baby rescues, cute nurses, and train hopping in tailored suits, I started wondering who I need to be emulating. Who are the all-time greatest uncles?? Uncle’s aren’t actually responsible for anything, so negative’s in their life don’t necessarily knock their rank, unless they let it bleed into their Uncle-life. Sometimes just being memorable is enough. Uncle Fester and Vernon Dursley are the floor, they stink, probably literally and definitely figuratively. I’d fly to North Korea and slap Kim Jong before I became them.
Enough of the hubbub, my rankings:
5) Uncle Rico
So on paper, he’s not the best. Lives in a Orange Van. Makes daily videos of himself throwing footballs. Tried to have an affair with Rex Kwon Do’s wife. Not great. Rico isn’t to blame, had Coach just put him in the game back in ’82 though, things would have been different. Pro football money, fame, and some GD respect from his hipster nephew Napoleon. Despite all that, he’s still there for Napoleon when Napoleon’s grandma (Carlinda) goes dune buggying with her new boyfriend in desert. He even goes so far as to help Kip land his dream girl, LaFawnduh.
Strengths: Throws a pigskin a quarter mile / present when needed, kinda / Sells Tupperware & Mini Wooden Sail Boats, a profitable industry in Preston, Idaho.
Weaknesses: General Intelligence / Might go back to ’82 if he finds time travel /
4) Uncle Ben
Another situation where Dad is absent, Uncle Ben raised Peter Parker into a pretty good guy. Uncle Ben is synonymous with the expression “With Great Power comes Great Responsibility” which my brother has tattooed on his very well sculpted pectoral muscle.
Unfortunately for Uncle Ben, he died, but it helped him secure a ranking on this illustrious list so it wasn’t all bad.
Strengths: Morally Golden / Coined an all-time expression.
3) Uncle Gandalf
Woah. Not sure where that pic came from but my editor won’t let me take it down. Real shame.
Anyway, of course I’m on this list. I walked 2,200 miles just to figure some shit out in my own head, imagine what I’d do for the blood of my blood?! I’ve already killed like 300 bad guys in my head which means I’ve got almost every scenario mapped out. Plus, I’m likely to never get married so Raelynn will forever be the most important girl in my life.
Strengths: Larger than most / Can walk super far / Perfect attendance / A real hoot / Very humble.
Weaknesses: Only throws a pigskin 1/8 mile / Scared to hold babies.
2) Uncle Phil
Took in his West Philadelphia Born & Raised (you sang that) nephew and helped him become a global mega star actor. Civil Rights activist. Princeton scholarship recipient. Harvard Law Graduate. NAACP board member and Urban Spirit Award Winner. I mean, wow, you can’t make this stuff up. Incredible.
Uncle Phil made sure all of his kids made something for themselves, and treated Will like a child of his own. When Will’s dad reappeared only to disappoint, Uncle Phil stands right there where he has always been, and allows Will to vent his emotions. I cry every single time I watch this scene.
Weaknesses: None worth mentioning.
1) Uncle Chaps
Last night, I called into Barstool Radio’s late night Sirius XM show called ‘Hi, Haters‘ on my way home from my brothers house. They congratulated me and I asked them who they ranked as their all time greatest Uncles. One of the two hosts, Kayce Smith, immediately responded that #1 is her co-host, Uncle Chaps.
For those of you who don’t know who Uncle Chaps, friends,,,are you in for treat.
Chaps is currently, a blogger, troll, and radio host for Barstool Radio. Father of a couple children. Husband to somebody. He served as a bomb-sniffing dog-handler for The Marines in the Iraq War. He suffered a ton of concussions from IED’s, got shot, and came home with a Purple Heart amongst other distinctions.
Uncle Chaps came onto my radar with his blog about his mother-in-law’s incessant diarrhea, titled, My Mother-In-Law Ruined Christmas By Having Insatiable Diahrrea. To this day, this blog remains the funniest thing I’ve ever read as well as the funniest thing I’ve ever heard read during one of his dramatic blog reads on Barstool Radio.
Clear cut favorite. Congrats Chaps, another accomplishment under your belt. You can follow him on twitter here: @UncleChaps
Honorable Mention: Uncle Drew (Nike Commercials), Uncle Jesse (Full House), Uncle Leo (Seinfeld), Scar (Lion King), Uncle Sam (War Recruiter)
So many Uncle’s to choose from. I know I’ve left some important ones out. Feel free to argue with me >>> @cdub53