What a topic. I like to talk about Butt related things at least once a day. I love butts. If nobody will indulge with me, I’ll call my grandpa and run some ideas by him. It’s safe, it’s been years since he has listened to a word anybody in the family has said (partly due to his terrible hearing and partly because he’s amidst a vicious, grueling, decade long, never-ending battle with diarrhea of the mouth, can’t stop won’t stop). Now I live in New York City, a land full of wonderful butt’s consisting of lady butts, dude derriere’s, and then mine, a work of art currently undergoing extensive repairs, scheduled for re-release Late Summer ’18. The supple squat glutes from my basketball days have temporarily been replaced by the thin flapjacks of a long distance hiker, still smooth as the day I was born.
Anyway, back to those mandatory loose buttholes.
For decades, Coaches of mine, and surely across the athletic world, have practically demanded their athletes have complete control over the elasticity of their b-hole’s.
My issues lies in the delivery of the message. Be specific, I’ve heard a variety of requests from my coaches over the years, and I never knew what to do!
“You gotta be loose” they say, BUT(T), Athletes who crumble under pressure are said to have “shit themselves”. So which one is it? Loose & Leaky or Puckered Up and Sealed Tight? Have you ever tried to loosen up your sphincter while simultaneously guarding a shifty ball handler dead set on scoring 30? Not easy! What about tackle an open field runner while trying to ensure a fart stays silent? Even Kevin Garnett, a staunch believer in all things being possible, would tell you that’s impossible.
“Elbows and Assholes!” – I’ve heard this one from a few different coaches and still have no clue what it means. For a long time I thought they were saying “Elbows IN Assholes” and that one really worried me, but it made sense to my dumb brain when I was young cause it explained why God make it impossible to lick your elbow.
Then, there’s the Socratic eloquence of the UCLA Softball: “LOOSE BUTTHOLES ONLY”.
After I shake the image of coach using a laser pointer to show the difference between two poster’s, one clenched and one loose, I remember this is a softball team, and generally those consist of females, but thankfully, The Google tells me UCLA’s coach is in fact a woman, so disaster potentially averted.
Still, what a wild demand to write down on the wall of your dugout. Maybe the ladies are all wound up from final exams? I hope that’s it. I mean, we’ve all heard of team building activities but(t) checking each other for proper looseness really takes the cake (cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake).
It’s Mem-Day and Butt Talk likely has you a little hot and bothered, so throw on whatever bathing suit makes that butt look best (Montce Swim obviously), pack a cooler of Bud Heavy Red Snappers, and ride to the beach amidst the soulful serenades of my good friend, Kenny Loggins.